Have you felt like the rug has been pulled from under you and really nothing to say? You have watched silently as things around you slowly withered away. The answer you get all seemed justified. Yet, you take a deep breath and realize it was just “a band aid” that helped the pain temporarily go away. You toughen up and look forward, wiping off yesterday’s pain. Then begin again. You know that you hear your mantras of optimism. You meditated peacefully within knowing there is a reason for all this. Each time you see how everything seems to keep falling away and you keep taking each day as a new day.
Doing the same daily routine as you find another tool / technique / creating a different picture…only to find there is nothing concrete to step on. That the step you just took was into a tar pit. As you cannot move, a permanent outcome as you look at all that is going on….as you realize that each quadrant (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually) was more than a balancing act. Spinning all the plates to keep them going when suddenly that rug was pulled from under you.
When does it all stop you ask yourself? How much more can you really take? I use to think that it was the suffering I needed to experience because I had sinned. Then I thought the pain was not enough so there should be more to absolve me from these sins. Each belief strong sustaining one another as the reason why failure is a destiny from issues not dealt with in a past life. As I move aimlessly forward, talking myself into believing that there is a reason.
Still I continue to grab at possible answers that would make some sense as things disintegrate. Then I hold on to maybe a hopeful moment that I had weathered the storm. Something is there around the corner for me. With all the quadrant work I have done: I understand – am empowered – and practice; still finding that another unexpected situation has occurred.
Reflecting consciously where there is silence while in the middle of the “eye of the storm”. A quiet moment that is tranquil and enlightening, nothing that is explainable except it feels like right before the final breath of ecstasy…like a rush that brings you up-however, quickly descending like shattered glass.
There is no glue to put these broken pieces together. I am an example of society’s expectation. What am I doing? The people who entrust me to keep them safe and healthy look up at me. It is important to be the rock during the storm. I am the parent, grandparent, the adult; a person who has experience and knowledge. I shouldn’t feel this way.
The audacity of me feeling depressed is not acceptable. To save face, I cannot let others know that I too am frail, possibly human. The outcome of this reality is clearly before me. Cease and be the fire that is in my heart. There are no magic tricks or spells to turn this around. It is me who stands alone as my world is spinning leaving me unearthed.
Taking a deep breath; inhale/exhale pulling the strings that hold me together. Then realizing there is a web that has been building inside once labeled with fear. I prevail beyond fear to pursue what I know I am meant to do. It is time to act like the black widow spider that instinctively uses the web as a retreat for spiders, a trap for prey and a way to defend against predators.
I clearly understand the message within the metaphor of the spider’s web–my life is magical. There is no time to retreat, allow failure to persist me as its prey, and I must stand up against my predators. A spiders’ web is imperfect as it is strong. I too am imperfect, yet strong! No longer captive. It is time to honor the warrior that has resided within me demanding my metamorphosis to expel now.